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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

It Never Fails

I come up with a good safe game plan in which I hope to safely grow my meager bankroll. It's usually a good plan, well thought out, and carefully analyzed. Then something jumps up and throws the whole plan out the window. What's that called? Oh yea, Life.

So here WAS my original plan. I have my UB bankroll up to where it can support a level shift from my regular .10 NL game up to the .25 NL game. I realize this isn't a huge jump, but I'm trying to set myself a precedent for future level jumps. Today was my Data Mining Day, four 10 person tables at the .10/.25 NL level and I thought about just leaving them on all weekend when I'm up in Buffalo for Thanksgiving. This should give me a decent read on which players I should stay away from, which players I should look for, and gather raw data to help make future decisions. Once my deposit bonus was cleared through UB, I was going to move a good portion of my (hopefully) larger bankroll over to Absolute Poker where I still have a large deposit bonus ($110.00) to clear off there. Sounds very responsible of me doesn't it? I thought so too.

Then I got an email.

It was from Absolute Poker notifying me that my $110.00 initial Bonus Deposit is going to expire on December 7, 2005. That gives me 14 days to clear 1,100 points. Crap. My bankroll there? $9.00. DoUBle Crap (or would that be crap squared?) I'm going out of town for the next 5 days. Oh for the love of Crap.

Ok, new game plan. Starting Sunday (First day I'll be able to play) Take all $9.00 into a .25 NL game, try to hang around, maybe even doUBle up once or twice and then log out if/when I hit $35.00. Take that into either a .25/.50 NL game or maybe even a .50/1.00 NL game (depending on the stack sizes of the other players) Then fold like crazy and let the other players build up the pots and earn me bonus points. Provided I don't lose my bankroll, I should be able to clear that bonus in about 11-13 hours. If I play a couple of hours in the morning and an hour or so in the evenings, then a crap load of poker on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of next week, I should be able to do it.

Once it's cleared I'm putting the entire bankroll onto Poker Stars (I hope they do a 20% reload bonus soon after I'm done), or maybe I'll keep playing at it until I earn enough points to win a hat. More than likely I'll just leave the money there and go back to trying to clear the UB bonus before that one expires. Then after Christmas I'll go to work on winning hats. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Small SNG Win

Last night after I got home from work I hopped online and signed up for a .50 SNG. I realize the limit is rather pathetic, but I've been running very poorly in the SNG department of late and I didn't feel like dumping any more money into them if I was just going to lose. So I signed up for this one as it was the least expensive one I could possibly find (Absolute Poker) and what do you know, I won it, booking myself a WHOLE $2 profit. What I was really happy with though were some of my observations about the players at the table I was playing with.

First off I could SEE the bad players, now granted they were about as well hidden as a fat kid at a salad bar, but still, I was happy to see that I was able to get a pretty accurate read on some of the players that early on, and was also able to put them on hands occasionally. This helped me steal some pots from flush drawers by betting into them during the flop and turn, and then if the flush never hit, I would bet hard into them and get them to fold.

I was also in the position at one point to start playing the role of the aggressive chip leader. I was forcing the two or three remaining players to commit half of their stacks just to see the flop, and would usually make them put in the rest of their chips if they wanted to try to draw to the turn or river. I did this regardless of the cards I was holding which made winning MUCH easier than having to sit around and actually wait for some cards to play.

I felt I played good solid poker early on, got luck once or twice when a turn or river would give me a straight or flush and I was also glad to score a win, even at such a low limit, just to restore some of my confidence in the whole SNG process.

Unfortunately I won't be able to play much online for the rest of this week as I'm going to work early tomorrow so I can get an early start on my trip back to Jamestown for the holiday weekend. If I find myself with any amount of time, I may download Poker Stars to my parent's computer, but I'm not really expecting to be back online until the beginning of next week. I guess I'll just have to content myself with Harrington's Endgame for any poker fit I may experience in my away time. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Slow Weekend

Outside of a pretty good poker session Friday morning, I didn't really get much of a chance to play this weekend. Despite my November Challenge Goals, I played NL ring games on Friday Morning and managed to win a few bucks to help grow my bankroll. Lately SNG's have done nothing for me but suck my money away, but for some reason, I keep playing them every now and then. I can't quite seem to figure out where my problems are, I made good bets when I have good starting hands, but the board never seems to help. I try playing position, but usually end up getting played back at when I don't have a hand. I might try another one tonight, so wish me luck.

I did play a bit of Micro Limit online today and am diligently working towards getting my overall V$IP under 24% which will switch my overall player rating to "Good Player". Currently I'm at 26.xx so I'm getting there. The two games that I still need to bring down are the .02/.04 Limit games and the .05/.10 NL games. I have been playing my hands very selectively but have been pushing and raising when I do have it. It seems to be working as I've been posting gains in all of my sessions (except for SNG's). Part of me would like to do a challenge where I play at a certain level for 1000 hands before moving up just to see what levels I'm catching the most money at, but I don't think I have the patience for that sort of thing. I think that sort of thing will just gradually start to occur as I continue to play the game.

I think what I am going to try is this, spend the next few days getting my .10/.20 Limit stats (for V$IP) down under 24% (ideal goal would be around 20%) which should only take about an hour of playing , then I'm going to play .05/.10 NL on UB and try to score a couple of double ups to bring my balance there > $100. Once the balance there can support it (which it technically can now I suppose) I think I'm going to take a stab at the .10/.25 NL tables which is a limit I've never played before. If I do well, it should be a nice kick in the bankroll which I can then transfer to another site, and if I lose, then I can go back to the .05/.10 tables to recover my losses. In either case I should earn a fair number of points towards my bonus which is always a good thing.

I would also like to apologize to any of the US vs. ROW members who may have been looking for me to jump in. I had every intention of joining the Sunday evening tournament, however I went to Philly to see my brother play Hockey (not pro) and we decided to bring him home with us to spend the week and then take him back with us to my parents house for Thanksgiving. I can see now that my absence had a cataclysmic effect on Team USA's morale. I am sorry.

I had originally wanted to check out the Indian Casino's this weekend while back up in Jamestown, however the family finances won't allow it just yet. If things work out well at the new limits maybe I'll win enough to find a trip to either Atlantic City or the Indian Casino's later on this year (or rather sometime next year). Hey, it could happen.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Twitchy Poker Day!

Today is Friday November 17, and I will be playing poker ALL DAY LONG! Well at least until about 4:00 or 5:00 when the fam gets home and we're all piling in the car and heading out to the movies to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Then it's back home and when the kids got to bed, it's back to Poker Time baby. I'm going to be logged into IM all day so feel free to shoot me an IM and if you want to do a SNG, I'll probably be up for it.

Ideally I'm going to try to focus on a couple of things. First and foremost I'm going to try to get my Stars account up over $10, and ideally over $20. I'm going to start with a .02/.04 NL table and see how I do and if I double my buy in, I'm going to go play some limit games to try to complete my second goal, which is to get my Poker Tracker rating to "Good Player." Not sure if I'll be able to play enough hands to do that in one day, but at least we can make a good dent in that number.

I'm also going to try to mix in a SNG or MTT whenever the opportunity rises however as I'm not particularly good at Multi Tabling, I'm going to try as hard as I can to focus on Single tables and my play therein.

In the (unlikely) event that I actually am able to bring my Stars account over $20, I'm going to move over to my account on Absolute and do the same thing there. I would like to be able to play at levels which will actually earn me points at either site (Pot > $5) however as that is my current approximate Bankroll on each of those sites, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I should really have at least $100 in my account before I try to sit down at the .10/.25 NL table. I suppose I could consolidate my bankroll to each site, play at the higher limits, earn more points and clear the initial deposit bonuses, however as I still have relatively small Poker Tracker numbers for the total amount of hands played at each level, I could defiantly use the experience and time at the Micro Tables.

As much as I think I should be winning more and making a bigger bankroll for myself, I have only been playing for about 3 months or so, and my poker experience prior to my online play was almost nonexistent. All things considered, I should be VERY I have a slightly larger bankroll than what I initially started with, and even that was gifted to me by Instant Bankroll, so that I haven't spent a single dime of my own on Poker. (Books notwithstanding)

So stop by and see me, railbird me if you'd like, and invite me to play if you have time, I'll be online and having a blast. See you on the tables.

I Need Some Love

Anyone out there love me enough to transfer $25 to my Stars account in exchange for $25 from my UB account? I already pulled money out of UB this week and it takes a few days to process and I was looking forward to some pokery goodness this weekend as it looks like there might be a $5 tourney or two that I can get in. Thought I'd throw out the offer to see if there are any takers, if you're up for it, let me know. Thanks.

Question for the Masses

Can I get a ruling on the phrase, "Dem's Quad Beeches!" Please?

Is it any quads that hit or is it just quad aces?

I think my epidermis is showing again, sorry.

This is Not My Cow!

You know what I really hate? (Besides the French) I hate it when you're in a cash game, waiting patiently for a good hand, and you finally get it. It comes in the form of a pair of pocket fours, ok no great hand yet, but hey, it could get better right? And it does on the flop, I get my 4 for a set. The board also brings a 3 and a Queen. Queen is good because I can get some bets from the rest of the table. The turn brings another Q which fills up my boat and neutralizes the Flush possibility. One player bets, I call, and the last person in the hand folds. The river is an A which completes the flush draw which I'm hoping the other player is shooting for. He bets all in and I have him right? Nope, Full Houses don't hold up against Dem Quad Beeches. *grumble* Stupid four of a kind.

That is all.

**Update - That is NOT all, I shall continue. I'm posting the hand history to ask one question, please review the hand and read the question at the end.

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em, $0.02 BB (9 handed) converter

CO ($1.92)
Button ($8.14)
SB ($4.43)
BB ($2.83)
UTG ($2.74)
UTG+1 ($1.38)
Twitch ($1.94)
MP2 ($4.03)
MP3 ($4.63)

Preflop: Twitch is MP1 with 4h, 4c.
UTG calls $0.02, UTG+1 calls $0.02, Twitch calls $0.02, 5 folds, BB checks.

Flop: ($0.09) Qs, 3c, 4s (4 players)
BB checks, UTG bets $0.1, UTG+1 folds, Twitch calls $0.10, BB folds.

Turn: ($0.29) Qc (2 players)
UTG bets $0.2, Twitch calls $0.20.

River: ($0.69) Ac (2 players)
UTG bets $2.42 (All-In), Twitch calls $1.62 (All-In).

Final Pot: $4.73

UTG has Qd Qh (four of a kind, queens).
Twitch has 4h 4c (full house, fours full of queens).
Outcome: UTG wins $4.73.

My question is this, after reviewing his play I never would have pegged him for pocket Queens, and when I was watching the hand I was happy a club came on the flop which would have filled out his flush draw (which is what I put him on). With an ace on the board, should I have been worried about a hand like AQ for a stronger full house? Would anyone out there have layed down this hand? In all cases I would have lost this hand regardless as I was never ahead at any point, but by the river was there any substantial evidence I should have noticed to let me know I was dead? Just wondering.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Poker Tracker

Over the weekend, PSO sent me my registration code for Poker Tracker and after playing with it for a bit, I have managed to figure out a few things. There are a couple of things I haven't quite managed to get, but if I post them here, maybe I'll get some answers by all of you out there that are smarter than me (99.9% of the breathing population). I might even bother to check the Poker Tracker Forums however as I can't get there from work, I'm probably going to resort to blog posts and emails.

Things I Have Figured Out

Auto Rating Players- Thanks to the help of Poker Tracker Guide, I have been able to input rules to auto rate players for ring games. I was fully expecting to have myself rated as a fish, or close to it, however was very pleased to see that I'm currently rated as "Neutral Aggressive Solid" which means my V$IP is between 24 and 28 (much closer to 28 than 24 at the moment), my aggression factor is above 1.5 (close to 2.0 I think) and my Went to Showdown % is less than 40. I need to get my V$IP down to below 24 to become a "Good Player". Only problem is that my last "high" percentile category (above 30%) is my .10 NL game where I have clocked in 800 hands. With so many hands played, it's going to take awhile to get that down to below 24.

Using Game Time + - After doing a little bit of reading I decided to give Game Time + a try to see how well it tied in with Poker Tracker and various Poker Sites. It worked really well with Poker Stars (although the windows didn't really line up all that well, but after 25 hands it started auto rating players which was fun to see.

I could not get Game Time + to work with either Ultimate Bet or Absolute Poker, With Absolute Poker I was able to get the program to recognize the correct room I was in, however it would never finish loading. With Ultimate Bet, I wasn't even seeing the room window in the available list. If anyone has gotten this to work with either or these sites, I would love to know what I need to do to get it working.

I have just found the Poker Tracker Guide's section on Poker Tracker External Game Time Window so I might play with that tomorrow morning to see what I can find out. Wish me luck.

**Update - I used the External Game Time Window for a bit yesterday and was rather happy with it. I think I'll be using that feature instead of Game Time +. Now I just need to pick a limit and stick with it for a bit so I can start some useful Data Mining. **

Things I Have Not Been Able to Figure Out

The Usefulness of Tournament Tracking- outside of my issues with Game Time +, the only thing that seems to elude me is the functionality of Poker Tracker's Tournament Feature. Since you can't really rate the tournament players (only the ring players) I'm not quite sure what to make of it. If anyone has any ideas or thoughts on it, please let me know.

Future Plans- Earlier when I was thinking about things Poker Tracker related I had been thinking of converting my current database (Access Based) to s PostgreSQL based mainly because I'm a tech geek and think it would be much cooler to run. That got me to thinking "Why don't I just create a new Poker Tracker Database for just cash games, then create a separate Database to play around with for Tournaments." Currently the only tournaments I have been able to enter into Poker Tracker are ones from Poker Stars, the vast majority of which were all my Play Money Tournies which I don't really want to keep anymore. The only real pain in this plan would be the manual sifting through all of my Hand History Files. I don't think this will be to much of an issue though as I'll have ample time while doing my nightly SNG's to rearrange the files into a Quasi logical folder structure.

A Problem Already- Even though I've only been using Poker Tracker for a few days, I have seen myself doing a few things that may get me into trouble. The first is folding to many hands. There are times when it's ok for the small blind to pitch in an extra partial bet to see a cheap flop, especially with a fair number of limpers and holding a pair of suited connectors. There are two specific hand's I remember laying down simply to help lower my stats, that, had I played like I wanted to, I would have won fair sized pots. I think from now on, I'll only look at the numbers at the end of my sessions as opposed to watching then throughout the table play.

The other problem I have found is that I spend more time playing games that are –EV than my normal game (.5/.10 NL) simply to try to post a profit on a certain level so I can have a pretty green number instead of an ugly red one. Currently the game is .10/.20 Limit over at Absolute Poker (or Poker Stars). I am currently down just $2.00 ($1.30 now after a quick run this morning) which I should be able to in 2 good pots, however I just have not been able to hit it, or at least wasn't able to in the couple of hours I've been trying. In an effort to at least try to tie this in with my November Challenge, I'm going to start logging hours and results. Once I hit positive numbers, I'm planning on going back to my usual .25/.50 Limit game to try to grind out a gradual Bankroll Increase. I have a feeling though that my bankroll won't increase much until my December Challenge which will substitute NL games for Limit Games.

My ultimate goal is to eventually wipe out the current blemish on Poker Tracker. I have currently lost a total of over eighty dollars playing the 1/2 limit game (mostly on Absolute Poker trying to clear my PSO bonus) and hope that someday I'll have the patience and bankroll to bring that back to even.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?

I am rather disappointed that not a single one of my Blogger Friends warned me that yesterday was "Runner Runner Flush Suckout Day." Three times, my dear readers, my Top Pair Top Kicker, or Top Two Pair were sucked out on by runner runner flush draws. The first time was in a $1 SNG on UB, I had AQ bet 3x BB, flopped top pair, bet half pot on a rainbow flop when an A hit, was raised, and reraised All In. I was called with someone with rags. Of course his rags became an Ace high flush when he hit Runner Runner diamonds. Out of the first SNG in about 7th or 8th place. Lucky me.

The second time was on the very first hand of my next SNG. I am once again dealt AQ, I raise 3x BB and was called by someone. The flop missed me completely so I checked, my opponent checked as well. The next card was an A which gave me top pair, so I bet hard and was called. The following card was a Queen which gave the board a flush possibility, but I figured that my top two pair would hold up. Nope, it was Runner Runner Flush Day remember! I'm out on the very first hand of my second $1 SNG. I may have been tilting...just a little bit.

After that I gave up on the SNG scene since it was obviously not giving me ANY love whatsoever. I switched over to the .5/.10 NL game on UB and figured I'd try to win a couple of bucks to recoup my SNG losses. About ten minutes in, I again get AQ. I've learned my lesson though, no more raising 3x BB, this time I'm just calling. And I call on the Flop when a Queen hits. I call again on the Turn, and I call again on the River. Did I win the hand? Nope, lost on a Runner Runner Flush Draw! At least this time I have some money left over to continue playing. So now I understand, it's Flush day right? A few hands later I get AK clubs and raise 3x BB, flop comes club club rag. I have a Nut Flush Draw, and on Runner Runner Flush Suckout day! I'm sure to win! Nope, no clubs for me. Even though it's Runner Runner Flush Suckout day, apparently it's not MY Runner Runner Flush Suckout Day. Figures.

Now I'm on Full Tilt (no not the online poker site) I'm down to my last .75 to .90 of my $5 buy in and I figure I might as well just lose it all and get it over with. So I start to play aggressively, and more important, I actually hit a couple of lucky hands for the first time all night. I managed to win my way back to about $2.50. By now we were playing short handed with only about 5 or 6 people at the table, as the Fish had so kindly donated their stacks to the other remaining players at the table, the average stack was about $15 to my $2.50 so I figured if I could get a decent starting hand I could double up to a break even point. A few minutes later I get QQ, push all in, and get called by the big stack. Amazingly enough, they held up, and I was up to $5.30. Never one to kick a gift horse in the mouth (hey, it could be done) I logged off with a slight profit for that table. I also managed to clear about .70 of my Bonus Money on UB so I was only down about $1.20 for the night. Considering the tone of the evening, I will take that.

HUC2 Exit

After a much better run than I ever expected, I have finally been eliminated from the Heads Up Challenge 2. Thursday evening Drizzt and I squared off against each other and after a fairly short match, I fell in two straight games. Drizzt was kind enough to chalk it up to luck, however as I would consider him vastly more competent than myself in all things poker, I think the better player won.

Overall I had a great time with the HUC2 and now feel much more comfortable and confident playing heads up, which is why I joined them in the first place. I'm already looking forward to the Heads Up Challenge 3.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Busy Poker Weekend

What a poker weekend. I have a ton to write about (I had to send myself an email so that I would remember it all) so I'm going to break it down into sections so that I can get them posted throughout the week.

First and foremost I would like to apologize and congratulate Veneno on a Heads Up rematch we had last Thursday. I won the first of our three game rematch series on a pretty brutal river suck out, but she came back to beat me in the next two, giving her the win and her revenge. As a side bet, I promised her that I would write to her praises. I meant to do it Thursday and I meant to do it Friday, but alas, my writing time at home is very limited so I'm doing it first thing today. And without further adieu, my praises of Veneno.

Veneno oh Veneno,
How hath you done smoten me.
From high atop the mountain horse,
I have fallen to the deepest....depthethesses.
Your greatness shines like a beacon on the sirens shore,
Inviting wary travelers to be bespoched upon your dangerous shoals.
I hopeth that ifith I goeth into battleith,
That you shant be mine enemy again.
Lest I be smothenith again.

As a reward for my smoting, I returned the favor and smote her out of a SNG a bit later that I played with her, HighonPoker and Low Limit Grinder.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A Pleasant Suprise

Well I suppose I should now take back all the potentially negative things I have said about PSO for the past month. Yesterday I was greeted with a special surprise that my promotion had finally been accepted and my 9000 bonus points credited to my account. So last night I placed my order for Poker Tracker and Super System 2. Hopefully they'll email me the Poker Tracker info soon and I'll be spending much of the weekend trying to figure out how to use that confounded contraption. And before anyone says anything, yes, I plan on getting PokerTrackerGuide, just as soon as I win this here Heads Up Challenge 2 and take all the money. See you on the tables this weekend.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

November Challenge - Continued

In an effort to maintain my stupidity, I have made a couple of slight adjustments to the November Challenge which I feel obligated to share with everyone. As some of the more observant readers may notice, a small obscure table has been deftly inserted into the blog (somewhere) that will help document and track my progress. I have started my limit bankroll with a modest $25.00 to use in my limit experiments.

Because I have rather odd work hours, I will be breaking my poker play into two sections. I usually try to play 1 SNG at night when I get home and I'm going to be playing limit for an hour or so in the mornings before work.

For the evening SNG's I'm going to start with the $1 SNG's, once my winnings are over $5.00, I'll try a $5.00 SNG. When I place either first or second, half of the winnings will be transferred to the limit bankroll, while half will fund a stab at a $10 SNG. The winnings from the $10 SNG's will be split with half the winnings going into the limit bankroll and half going to the regular bankroll to fund future $10 SNG's. Not sure how well this experiment will work, but we'll see.

HUC Round 3 - Semi Finals

Sometime on Thursday evening (probably around 9 or 10 Eastern Time) Drizzt and I will be playing our semi-finals Heads Up match to see which of us makes it to the finals. Come one, come all.

November Challenge

I realize it's a bit late into the month to start a personal challenge, but I just thought of it, so I'm running with it regardless. My "problem" is that I have lots of bonus money to clear on a number of sites. The reason for this is because I spend most of my time playing SNG's and don't spend to much time at the ring tables. Here's my attempt to a solution, not sure if it will fly or not, but here we go.

I start at the $1.00 SNG's, when I win one, I take the winnings and do a $5.00 SNG. If I can win that one, or at least make the money, I take those winnings and buy into a .50/1.00 Limit table. I stay there until I either blow they buy in, or I clear the bonus.

Here's what I expect. (It's very important to realistically set your expectations) I expect it to take a few $1 SNG's to get started. The $5.00 SNG should earn me enough to get started at the Limit Tables with $10 or $20. This should win me enough to clear at least some of the deposit bonus. This money will be "profit" so long as I don't blow $20 in the $1.00 SNG's to get started.

Do I expect to make a fortune? No, but I do expect to round out the types of games I've been playing of late. The truth of the matter is I want baseball hats from all the major sites. So far I only have one from Party.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Unexpected Fame

I've been blogging off and on for about three years now. In that time, I've come across thousands of blogs, linked to a fraction of them, and even been linked back to now and again by friends, fellow Baltimore Bloggers, and most recently fellow Degenerates. It's in this last set that I find one of my blogs popping up with more and more frequency.

About for or five months ago I was reading Wil Wheaton's Blog and he was again talking about poker. He even mentioned a book, Lee Jones Winning at Low Limit Holdem. I decided to figure out this whole poker thing for myself. I read a couple of basic websites and came across some sites they offered. Free play money poker. Gold. I bought Jones Book and I've been hooked ever since.

Since then I've been reading poker blogs every day (at work anyway, at home I'm usually too busy playing poker). This week, while playing with my stat counter tools, I came across the referrer section. I've found myself on two big (popular) blogs that I hadn't realized I was on before and one that I had emailed requesting a link, I never would have thought to actually get accepted.

I would like to take a moment to sincerely thank Joe Speaker, the Poker Prof, and most recently Daddy, for adding my site to their blogs. I am truly honored. I would also like to take the opportunity to thank everyone that stops by here to read my usually senseless dribble.

All this fame and fortune makes me think I should attempt to put forth some great words of wisdom for either new(er) players or help remind some of the older ones what it's like being sucked into the game for the first time, and I feel like I should put forth something socially redeeming. But then I usually read Daddy's blog and realize that it's all good, the good, the bad, and especially the ugly. Thanks for stopping by, feel free to leave a comment.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Bonus Whoring

I realize many of you out there have had great success with PokerSource Online, however I have hand nothing but problems with them from day one, the most recent being that they are unwilling to help support my questions via email and require me to use their forums, which I despise, to receive any form of help. So I'm no longer going to promote their site (with the exception of their Instant Bankroll program which I think is pretty good, if not somewhat problematic). Instead I've decided to throw my weighty support behind Vegas Poker Pro. In the short time I've dealt with them, I'm loving their customer service. I've actually sent AND received emails from a real person. They even seemed rather pleasant and were interested in me helping to promote their site. Go figure. I personally haven't signed up/completed any of their promotions yet, however that's one of the top priorities on my to dude list this weekend. Once I finish I'll be sure to post my experience/recommendation for one and all.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Why You Shouldn't Have Sex With Chickens

**I don't usually cross blog, however I felt this might be appreciated by the sick degenerate gamblers that frequent my site. No I'm not trying to one up Daddy, just thought it might be appreciated, or ate the very least throw DrizztDJ for a loop for our upcoming HUC. I actually posted this at another blog I used to write in and thought I had cross posted it here as well, however after looking for it, I realized I hadn't. As it is quite possibly my favorite post I have ever written I thought I needed to save it here as well. Enjoy. **

Every day at some point, I roll a six sided dice to see what kind of blog I should post that day. 6 = Game Review, 5 = User Review, 4 = Rant, 3 = Memory, 2 = Free Post, and 1 = Completely off the wall non game related I should convenience people I should be committed blog. Today I rolled a 1, which brings me to the title of today's blog. Why you shouldn't have sex with chickens.

First off, I have to state that this is just a theory, because for it to be considered a law, one of two (impossible) things must occur depending on weather it is a social law or a scientific law. For a social law, the government, either state or federal, would have to pass a law, and B: it would have to be scientifically proven to be true in all instances. Neither of these will ever happen for the following reasons. The government will never pass a law forbidding chicken sex simply because it would then be a short jump before the populace demanded a law to prohibit (or at the very least restrict) the practice of Chicken Choking. Given the affinity for Congressional Chicken Choking (both personal and intern based) it is extremely unlikely that they would risk the chance to end something they hold so dear to themselves.

The scientific proof is able to prove with 87% accuracy that the theorem "People shouldn't have sex with chickens." Unfortunately as this is not a guaranteed truth, it can not be considered a scientific law. As a side note, the additional 13% is currently split 12/1 respectively between France and Arkansas. When brought before the United Nations, France conveniently argued that if they were not allowed to have sex with chickens, they would not be able to have sex at all, and their country would be plunged (even deeper) into chaos. There were no objections so the issue was dropped. Arkansas has successfully been able to prove that the reports of chicken sex are directly linked to the dates the Clintons are in state.

According to recent statistics published by the CFA (Chicken Fuckers Anonymous) the majority of all "relationships" begin with men (and a growing number of women) attempting to prove which came first, the chicken or the egg. This has already been medically proven as it has been successfully shown that it is impossible for eggs to reach sexual climax due to their underdeveloped sexual organs. The CFA also reports that the numbers may possibly be significantly lower than the actual number of acts committed due to the popular belief that many chickens do not come forward with instances of abuse and instead simply scratch at the ground and dig for worms when questioned. Freudian psychologists argue this is a damning statement of abuse, however it is currently unsubstantiated due to the fact that during official experiments, the Control group often exhibits the same behavior as the test group.
There is currently on ranking member of the CFA who is attempting to prove that there is a direct correlation between socioeconomic status and the perceived "Squawkers" segment of the poultry community. The current perception is that the lower the chicken's socioeconomic status is, the greater the likelihood that the chicken will upper almost porn like squawks during times of peak intimacy. This doctor believes however that it has much more to do with the chickens innate repression level than socioeconomic status. He states that upper society chickens, referred colloquially as "City Chickens" are under a far greater amount of pressure for social conformity than their "Free Range" brethren. With this pressure comes the fear of loss of self control and an ultimately lower level of sexual gratification and less powerful orgasms.

Legal and scientific bantering aside, the ramifications of chicken sex, sometimes referred to as "Poultry Poon Tang" can be overwhelming. Common symptoms of Post Poultry Intercourse Syndrome (PPIS) can include decreased same species sex drive, loss of apatite (especially at Chinese Food Restaurants, KFC, and Popeye's), and the breaking out in a cold sweat whenever someone nearby utters the now catch phrase, "Taste's like chicken."

I was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview a number of members of the CFA under the condition of anonymity and have come across some startling, and some not so startling discoveries. A few women claimed it to be a "college/sorority" thing, but the majority of women traced their beginnings of the sorted affairs back to a "Girls Night Out" where they remember mentioning wanting a "little pecker to play with" to some of their girlfriends after a night of drinking and dancing. When asked why they continued to keep up the affairs, most women blushed and admitted that it was the feathers that kept them coming back for more.

Whereas the women seemed genuinely ashamed of their acts, the men of the CFA were generally much less so. The following speech received a standing ovation when the newest member of the CFA, "Cletis" relived his initial moments of chicken lust. "I a was jus standin dere, a lookin over da fence when I noticed er. She was a bobbin er head, and a bendin over, and a scratchin at de feed we'd jus trown dare. When I whistled at er, she jus looked up at me wit dem big brown eyes, and I newed it was love. I walked aroun back of da hen house and she done followed me, and it was dare, behin that there hen house, dat we firs made love."

Medical doctors argue however that chicken sex, weather protected or unprotected can be dangerous for both parties involved. Men tend to suffer the greatest number of ailments such as chaffing and soreness in the phallic region, while women most commonly suffer from infections due to the substandard level of chicken feather hygiene. The chickens themselves were unavailable for comment on the common symptoms they often suffer from.

In conclusion, regardless of one's perceived opinions either for or against chicken sex, there is ample evidence that it should be abstained from as much as possible. It is important to work with and understand those individuals who still currently pop "corn" chicken (a nickname given to plump "juicy" chickens) and show them that they are indeed sick sick individuals.

*** No chickens were sexually molested during the writing of this strange article.***

HUC2 Round 3

According to the latest post on the HUC blog my next opponent for round 3 will be none other than Drizztdj. As I should be around all weekend I'll talk with Drizzt and post when the matchup will take place so that all may attend and root for Drizzt. I think I'd better go home and play tonight. This isn't going to be easy.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Awesome Hand

Yesterday morning, while sick, I managed to play like a drunken Llama (more on that later) however the evening before I had quite possibly the greatest hand in my infantile poker life to date. Enjoy. (Sorry, just tried to access the Hand Converter, but it's not up for some reason. Should it come back up, I'll repost after the conversion)

PokerStars No-Limit Hold'em Tourney, Big Blind is t50 (8 handed) converter

UTG+1 (t1085)
MP1 (t1690)
MP2 (t540)
CO (t1800)
Button (t2240)
SB (t4815)
Twitch (t1780)
UTG (t1755)

Preflop: Twitch is BB with As, Kc.
5 folds, Button calls t50, SB completes, Twitch checks.

Flop: (t150) Ac, Ah, Jh (3 players)
SB checks, Twitch checks, Button bets t50, SB folds, Twitch calls t50.

Turn: (t250) Jd (2 players)
Twitch checks, Button bets t150, Twitch calls t150.

River: (t550) Ks (2 players)
Twitch bets t550, Button raises to t1990, Twitch calls t980 (All-In).

Final Pot: t4070

I still ended up busting out of the tourney out of the money, but at least I still had this hand to post.