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Thursday, November 03, 2005

Why You Shouldn't Have Sex With Chickens

**I don't usually cross blog, however I felt this might be appreciated by the sick degenerate gamblers that frequent my site. No I'm not trying to one up Daddy, just thought it might be appreciated, or ate the very least throw DrizztDJ for a loop for our upcoming HUC. I actually posted this at another blog I used to write in and thought I had cross posted it here as well, however after looking for it, I realized I hadn't. As it is quite possibly my favorite post I have ever written I thought I needed to save it here as well. Enjoy. **

Every day at some point, I roll a six sided dice to see what kind of blog I should post that day. 6 = Game Review, 5 = User Review, 4 = Rant, 3 = Memory, 2 = Free Post, and 1 = Completely off the wall non game related I should convenience people I should be committed blog. Today I rolled a 1, which brings me to the title of today's blog. Why you shouldn't have sex with chickens.

First off, I have to state that this is just a theory, because for it to be considered a law, one of two (impossible) things must occur depending on weather it is a social law or a scientific law. For a social law, the government, either state or federal, would have to pass a law, and B: it would have to be scientifically proven to be true in all instances. Neither of these will ever happen for the following reasons. The government will never pass a law forbidding chicken sex simply because it would then be a short jump before the populace demanded a law to prohibit (or at the very least restrict) the practice of Chicken Choking. Given the affinity for Congressional Chicken Choking (both personal and intern based) it is extremely unlikely that they would risk the chance to end something they hold so dear to themselves.

The scientific proof is able to prove with 87% accuracy that the theorem "People shouldn't have sex with chickens." Unfortunately as this is not a guaranteed truth, it can not be considered a scientific law. As a side note, the additional 13% is currently split 12/1 respectively between France and Arkansas. When brought before the United Nations, France conveniently argued that if they were not allowed to have sex with chickens, they would not be able to have sex at all, and their country would be plunged (even deeper) into chaos. There were no objections so the issue was dropped. Arkansas has successfully been able to prove that the reports of chicken sex are directly linked to the dates the Clintons are in state.

According to recent statistics published by the CFA (Chicken Fuckers Anonymous) the majority of all "relationships" begin with men (and a growing number of women) attempting to prove which came first, the chicken or the egg. This has already been medically proven as it has been successfully shown that it is impossible for eggs to reach sexual climax due to their underdeveloped sexual organs. The CFA also reports that the numbers may possibly be significantly lower than the actual number of acts committed due to the popular belief that many chickens do not come forward with instances of abuse and instead simply scratch at the ground and dig for worms when questioned. Freudian psychologists argue this is a damning statement of abuse, however it is currently unsubstantiated due to the fact that during official experiments, the Control group often exhibits the same behavior as the test group.
There is currently on ranking member of the CFA who is attempting to prove that there is a direct correlation between socioeconomic status and the perceived "Squawkers" segment of the poultry community. The current perception is that the lower the chicken's socioeconomic status is, the greater the likelihood that the chicken will upper almost porn like squawks during times of peak intimacy. This doctor believes however that it has much more to do with the chickens innate repression level than socioeconomic status. He states that upper society chickens, referred colloquially as "City Chickens" are under a far greater amount of pressure for social conformity than their "Free Range" brethren. With this pressure comes the fear of loss of self control and an ultimately lower level of sexual gratification and less powerful orgasms.

Legal and scientific bantering aside, the ramifications of chicken sex, sometimes referred to as "Poultry Poon Tang" can be overwhelming. Common symptoms of Post Poultry Intercourse Syndrome (PPIS) can include decreased same species sex drive, loss of apatite (especially at Chinese Food Restaurants, KFC, and Popeye's), and the breaking out in a cold sweat whenever someone nearby utters the now catch phrase, "Taste's like chicken."

I was fortunate enough to be allowed to interview a number of members of the CFA under the condition of anonymity and have come across some startling, and some not so startling discoveries. A few women claimed it to be a "college/sorority" thing, but the majority of women traced their beginnings of the sorted affairs back to a "Girls Night Out" where they remember mentioning wanting a "little pecker to play with" to some of their girlfriends after a night of drinking and dancing. When asked why they continued to keep up the affairs, most women blushed and admitted that it was the feathers that kept them coming back for more.

Whereas the women seemed genuinely ashamed of their acts, the men of the CFA were generally much less so. The following speech received a standing ovation when the newest member of the CFA, "Cletis" relived his initial moments of chicken lust. "I a was jus standin dere, a lookin over da fence when I noticed er. She was a bobbin er head, and a bendin over, and a scratchin at de feed we'd jus trown dare. When I whistled at er, she jus looked up at me wit dem big brown eyes, and I newed it was love. I walked aroun back of da hen house and she done followed me, and it was dare, behin that there hen house, dat we firs made love."


Medical doctors argue however that chicken sex, weather protected or unprotected can be dangerous for both parties involved. Men tend to suffer the greatest number of ailments such as chaffing and soreness in the phallic region, while women most commonly suffer from infections due to the substandard level of chicken feather hygiene. The chickens themselves were unavailable for comment on the common symptoms they often suffer from.

In conclusion, regardless of one's perceived opinions either for or against chicken sex, there is ample evidence that it should be abstained from as much as possible. It is important to work with and understand those individuals who still currently pop "corn" chicken (a nickname given to plump "juicy" chickens) and show them that they are indeed sick sick individuals.

*** No chickens were sexually molested during the writing of this strange article.***